Thursday, January 8, 2009

Panormous Redux (Yes, there are two pizzas)

My recent research into the fraud in a box known as the Panormous pizza from Pizza Hut unearthed this ridiculously droll video review of said abomination:

Forgive the pun, but how can anyone be as deadpan as this reviewer? Intrigued, I viewed the various videos posted by this character and also visited the website. Tom, as he calls himself, is ostensibly an independent reviewer, but he basically seems like a shill for the “Big Three” pizzamakers – Domino’s, Pizza Hut, and Papa John’s – as his web pages consist primarily of profiles seemingly ripped from the companies’ promotional materials.

His video reviews, however, are refreshingly non-partisan and devoid of self-awareness. They all share the strange whimsy and resigned attitude on display in the Panormous review. Tom has mastered the art of unenthusiastic enthusiasm, something like watching the scenes in King of the Hill where Hank and his brew crew idly muse on nothing in front of a fence. “Not too bad” and “pretty decent” seem to encapsulate Tom's opinion of everything. I can’t help but admire his systematic treatment of the products, describing the “deal,” unveiling the pizza, commenting on topping distribution, examining the “bake” of the crust, (sometimes) doing a taste test, and then a final plug for his website.

A quintessential example:

Perhaps the richest part is his use of the royal “we,” when this is almost surely a one-man operation, just a guileless dude with a camcorder and a fistful of pizza coupons. Oh, he also has a review of the Madden 09 video game, but his strength clearly lies in pizza pies.

Tom, wherever you are, wherever “your area” happens to be, I hope they put a Giordano’s there. Keep on greasin’!

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